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Sunday, 20 March 2016

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS

Nearly at the end of March already, who would believe it. I still maintain that this year will be my year for things to work and the last two month has just been a practice run. Guess we will have to wait and see.
As you are aware if you have been following my blog ( and if you haven't why not? get reading now!), This year has not had the best of starts. However three month in and things may be slightly starting to improve.

Caught up with University work and came out with a first for my Academic Mentor presentation which was great and after my personal development meeting, found out that I might not be as screwed as I thought I was with moving on to the final year. Although if all these health issues and my dads issues had not had to be dealt with what kind of grades would I be clearing? So it is with extreme caution that I apply for my final year of finance for my degree. But what comes next? For most students this would entail a masters or PHD or perhaps getting a job, but what about some one with chronic health issues such as myself? What do I do?Well I guess that is the question isn't it. Like so many others out there in the same situation (OK I admit there are people out there who do take the piss), I really want to work, even if its part time. Here is the problem, even part time I know there will be more times spent off then in and looking at my health issues most employers will take one look at me and will pass me over nor have the time, money or patience to put up with it.
So that leaves working for myself, but what as, how? The Psych Twins was supposed to be the start of that the whole, if Mohammad can't get to the mountain then the mountain will come to Mohammed thing, but with out grants/funding and being able to get contracts its all pie in the sky, a great service I keep getting told, that is greatly needed, but no money to do what we want with it, pay ourselves a wage or hire others.

So where dose that leave me? Well back at the beginning, on ESA, unemployable despite all my skills and training, just take a look at my CV (go on take a look you will find it on my LinkedIn Profile), despite the outward appearance of a withered, useless body ( I sometimes see myself as a female "Jabba The Hut" ) there is a mine of pure knowledge, skill and enthusiasm just waiting to be tapped into. This then leads to the "what's it all for then?" phase. The point at which you relaise that you are of no use, not even to yourself. You need help at home, help to go into education and help to hold down a job (if you could actually get some one to give you a chance) and the government is slowly tearing that all away from you any way.
This then moves into the "isolation" phase. As some one who has numerous illnesses/ health issues, going out socially is not a thing. Even if I had any one who would offer me to go out socially there is the accessibility of the venue and how good or bad am feeling on the day. ( All the offers of being invited places, even by family and friends dropped off after it became apparent that to invites some one out who has to use a wheelchair 90% of the time is just to darn pesky to organize. Especially if it means that one of you have to be responsible for helping said person and good god you might have to change the venue/pub route/restaurant to make sure its accessible etc etc ...you get the picture). So if you take going to university away, I leave the house once a week with my husband...maybe to look around the shops and any drs and hospital appointments. What does that mean realistically? If am lucky I will get out once a week maybe once every two/three weeks. WOW exciting life !

This then leads into the final stage..depression. yep. What more can I say about his phase, well nothing really, its all been said before. You can't see anyway out. Nothing is going to get any better, because there is nothing you can do to make it any better. No diet, exercise regime or will power is going to change those illnesses so you can go out to work, therefore get out more socially, have money to enjoy life, get  mortgage, move up in the world etc etc. No way of being a good little citizen just like the government want you to be. So you are labeled a scrounger, a waste of space, useless and society look down on you, and the government? well they just keep taking benefits away from you making it harder and harder to function on a day to day base, telling you to "get a job" "loose weight" "exercise" "this is how to improve your life and your credit"..we know! but we can't can we no one will let us.

Money wise, am lucky my husband runs his own business which ticks along for us, so things don't effect me as much as some people I know  - disabled and non disabled. I would love to go back to work, hold down a job doing something I would enjoy, bringing home a wage and getting off benefits. I dream of getting  a mortgage and owning my own house, done out to my specification no expense spared, holiday every year never mind twice a year instead of saving for 2 year to go away for  2 weeks (meaning no treats for the kids, no weekend breaks as a couple, no date nights, no family days out, no new clothes , going no where during the summer holidays etc etc).... and yes for those out there who follow my profile on Facebook I save to go to Florida and am well aware there are people who cant afford a weekend away, I did say am lucky.......to have more of a social life with my family and  friends rather then wondering if am getting out the house for an hour or two in the next 14 days.

Who knows maybe things will turn around. Maybe funding will come in and I can finally get The Psych Twins off the ground the way I want too and make a wage that way. Maybe my health will improve and I will get a job or there is some employer out there who will let me freelance as a writer or something and come in when I can for a wage.
Maybe I will become a tv personality and be on political shows and news program or have my own show. Maybe I will become a famous author. Maybe I will get the acting offer I cant refuse because of my unique physique as an amputee. and matronly and northern..yea OK the least of the lot to come true. All I do know is that I will keep on trying, wishing and dreaming. Oh and am getting an electric wheelchair ! so bright side I get to any future Film and Comic Conventions I can play a Darlek....

......................Que Dr Who theme music.........

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