Incompetent?

Well went to the doctors regarding the arthritis issue. My biggest concern is whether or not it will impact me having a BKA. He didnt have a clue. In fact the whole appointment was a waste of both his and my time.
All he wanted to concentrate on was me having the amputation and if I was doing the right thing. According to him am walking fine ( this judged from the short walk from the waiting room to his office,whilst he sat in is office, with the door closed therefore COULDN'T SEE !!!!) According to him my mobility,based on what he saw?!? I seem to have no issue with my mobility. so I tried to explain to him that the mobility issue was only part of the problem , that it takes more then a 30sec walk to his office after sitting down for 20 mins resting to be able to see if my mobility is ok,and that other issues where involved such as pain,nerve damage,swelling and not being able to weight bear.
So I mentioned to him about the fall and what we discovered and he just sat there and looked at me. Ignored what I said about osteo arthritis and starting going on about how he doesnt think he needs to test me for Rheumatoid arthritis. His way of knowing  this was to get me to hold out my hands and turn them over. I tried to explain to him about the pains in my elbows after excersise or lifting anything,carrying anything or at the end of the day. This is the same with my hands. Not to mention the fact that at I sometimes drop things because I lose my grip or I cant grip. Never mind the  fact that at bed time the pain in my muscles when they cramp or jump or the sound of the bones "crunching" in my fingers or wrists.
I wanted to talk to him about my concerns about the amputation, the effect the arthritis in the hips, knees and spine would have, could I find out how bad it is? Would this stop me from having the amputation? are certain things am doing causing issues or impounding this problem possibly making them deteriorate? Or are there things that am not doing that is making it worse?The ERTL (have i got that the right way round?) procedure and how the surgeon am under doesnt use it and of course the depression that seems to be spiralling out of control.
No instead I got a brief 5 minute appointment, told he didnt see why I was having the amputation and he didnt think I should go ahead with it, and I didnt have rheumatiod  arthritis and didnt think i needed testing.

God bless this wonderful nation and its Victorian NHS system. where the GPs dont have the training they need, cant speak expectable English,dont have the time to spend with their patients or the money to refer patients if necessary and its in patients best interest.

So unfortunately in this great nation of ours its a postcode lottery the type of GP service you are provided with, and I am in the wrong postcode.

..and so it keeps going..

sill waiting for the official letter from the hospital with the date of my surgery on, but his secretary confirmed over the phone.  Heard from social services but they cant do anything until after I have had my amputation, so cant arrange what I need wheelchair wise or bathing needs wise until am in hospital, which if you ask me is useless.  Work not getting any easier. Walking up the hill to work is causing a lot of pain and cant afford to take time off work as if I am not in I don't get paid. We must be the only firm in Newcastle who doesn't have a sick scheme in place! The carers centre has been great, they have had a lot of useful information that both David and I where unaware of.  Now wondering how much my arthritis issue is going to effect my amputation if at all. So off to see the doctor on Tuesday morning to get the low down on it all.

Managed to do some research on arthritis and on depression over the weekend, even though it has been complete and utter madness with the eldest 17th and the 2nd oldest girl turning 5. Turned out that the 5 year olds birthday party caused more stress and clean up then the 17/18  year old had the night before !

Went to get weighed on Friday and another blow to the self confidence..put on weight and back at what I started at 17st 11. sometimes I wonder "why do I bother " and "there has to be more to life then this ?"
Seems I suck at everything..well if nothing else am consistent, thats something.  Lots of friends seem to think that I should either leave work or go on the sick now. Thats easier said then done, as I mentioned before, the firm I work for must be the only one in the North East that doesn't have a sick scheme in place. Which logically is good to stop people form taking the piss, people like myself cant afford to be off work if we dont get paid though. So for now I will just have to battle on like thousands of other people in the same situation.

Feeling Flat

Got the letter on Tuesday from the hospital for a date to go into the pre assessment clinic for the operation. Decided to give the surgeons secretary a ring on the off chance she would know how long it would be after that I would be called in. she had the date ready 23rd May, 2 days after my birthday!!! what a present!!

My stomach sank and my heart raced and I felt like crying. It is a relief to have the date but also upsetting. Felt angry and tearful, all at the same time.  I suppose at least now I know when am going in and I can start to prepare for it , better then constantly dreading the sound of the letter box going every morning.

Having the date hasn't made me less stressy or short tempered though.  I am finding that I have very little patience for anything, especially the small stuff, it all seems pointless.  The spiralling depths of depression are calling to me, I recognise the symptoms, and am trying despretatley not to get pulled down, but it seems that am swimming against the tide.Lethargic, just want to sleep/stay in bed all the time, comfort eating,cant be bothered with anything or anyone come to that,It all seems so pointless.

But I have to keep looking on the bright side and remember why am having this done, how much better my life will be and the lives of my family. you can imagine that getting ready to go to work is something I have to kick my own arse to do everyday.  Still plodding along with the Thia Chi and Pilaties going to get weighed tomorrow but not holding my breath. Work been messing around with my hours, so still haven't managed to get to slimming world yet.
Yesterday however in the rain and mist was going through the entrance to Park Lane metro reading the "caution slippery when wet" sign then hit the floor!! went straight down !! how stupid did I feel.
Ended up in A&E  and after extensive X Rays discovered that nothing was broken but I have Osteoarthritis in both hips and my spine...could it get any worse? Sometimes I just feel that its not worth it and why should I bother.? No matter how hard I try or what I do nothing works out the way I want it too and I get no further forward.
Other people seem to get what they want, very easily, without much effort it seems at times. Not having to suffer much or do with out. Then there's me....hip replacements waiting in the not so distant future, further mobility issues to battle to stay out off a wheelchair, which might happen anyway no matter how hard I fight it .Pain from the day I was born.  Never made much of her self.  No further forward in life.

Yes am feeling sorry for myself, am allowed after all am only human......well for now.....

‘I’ll use my legs then lose them’ - Local - Sunderland Echo

‘I’ll use my legs then lose them’ - Local - Sunderland Echo