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Thursday, 17 March 2011

Feeling Flat

Got the letter on Tuesday from the hospital for a date to go into the pre assessment clinic for the operation. Decided to give the surgeons secretary a ring on the off chance she would know how long it would be after that I would be called in. she had the date ready 23rd May, 2 days after my birthday!!! what a present!!

My stomach sank and my heart raced and I felt like crying. It is a relief to have the date but also upsetting. Felt angry and tearful, all at the same time.  I suppose at least now I know when am going in and I can start to prepare for it , better then constantly dreading the sound of the letter box going every morning.

Having the date hasn't made me less stressy or short tempered though.  I am finding that I have very little patience for anything, especially the small stuff, it all seems pointless.  The spiralling depths of depression are calling to me, I recognise the symptoms, and am trying despretatley not to get pulled down, but it seems that am swimming against the tide.Lethargic, just want to sleep/stay in bed all the time, comfort eating,cant be bothered with anything or anyone come to that,It all seems so pointless.

But I have to keep looking on the bright side and remember why am having this done, how much better my life will be and the lives of my family. you can imagine that getting ready to go to work is something I have to kick my own arse to do everyday.  Still plodding along with the Thia Chi and Pilaties going to get weighed tomorrow but not holding my breath. Work been messing around with my hours, so still haven't managed to get to slimming world yet.
Yesterday however in the rain and mist was going through the entrance to Park Lane metro reading the "caution slippery when wet" sign then hit the floor!! went straight down !! how stupid did I feel.
Ended up in A&E  and after extensive X Rays discovered that nothing was broken but I have Osteoarthritis in both hips and my spine...could it get any worse? Sometimes I just feel that its not worth it and why should I bother.? No matter how hard I try or what I do nothing works out the way I want it too and I get no further forward.
Other people seem to get what they want, very easily, without much effort it seems at times. Not having to suffer much or do with out. Then there's me....hip replacements waiting in the not so distant future, further mobility issues to battle to stay out off a wheelchair, which might happen anyway no matter how hard I fight it .Pain from the day I was born.  Never made much of her self.  No further forward in life.

Yes am feeling sorry for myself, am allowed after all am only human......well for now.....

2 comments:

  1. I think you should ask the gp for a referral to a specialist therapist so that you can talk to a professional about the huge mental impact that your operations, both in the past on your feet, and more recently the first amputation, and upcoming amputation has had and is going to have psychologically. They can help a great deal with the feelings of grief, anger and loss and depression at having coped, and having to cope with the trauma. You are constantly dealing with stress, pain and strain- psychologically and physiologically and need to take care of your emotional wellbeing in order to heal more quickly after this next operation. Psychological emotional pain that is held inside can turn into unconscious physical symptoms that will hinder your overall recovery. I hope this helps xxxxx

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  2. thank you hun am at the doctors on Tuesday.

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