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Friday, 14 February 2014

REFLECTIONS

Happy Valentines to every one !!!

Its times like this that make me reflect on how lucky I am. My mam always used to tell me that I should be thankful as there is always some one worse off in the world then me. She was right.

Although the pain today is making it hard to appreciate and see that.

Due to this horrible weather the UK is suffering from  at the moment, my pain has tripled and caused all kinds of issues. One being missing time at college. I have already had to take a week off and struggled most of last week to attend. By Wednesday they where so bad I had to ask some one else to do the experiment for me ( dissecting and eyeball yummy !) and some one else to take notes. Thursday I had to miss a big maths exam in algebra, luckily though the college have been very supportive and I will be able to sit it when I return after the half term.

Its one of those days where I could climb back into bed, pull the covers up, curl into a ball and cry with pain.  Instead due to  having responsibilities and things to do, it has made me reflective. Since my first Symes amputation 7 year ago my health has started to deteriorate. By the time i had both lower legs removed 3 year ago it rapidly went down hill. I have been currently diagnosed with the following:

stating the obvious - double below knee amputation
raynaud's in my stumps (circulation issues)
Osteoarthritis in knees, lower back, hips, shoulders, wrists with possible Rheumatoid arthritis in hands
Severe sleep apnoea 
Chronic fatigue syndrome
IBS
Ulcer
Fibromyalga
also prone to anxiety and panic attacks as well as depression.
Now isn't that a lovely list !! and that's what I can remember off the top of my head.

But am still lucky.
My hubby David has been my rock and there is so much put on his shoulders and he takes it all in his stride. My children have been brilliant. They may have the moments ( which kids don't !) and  I may not see eye to eye with the two oldest ones, but with out them two I would be lost. My support network also contains my very close friends ( you know who you are), who are like family to me and are my surrogate brother and sisters again we would be lost without you. Our  own family's have not been there to be blunt about it. David  is a proud person and does not like to ask for help from any one but during the amputations and every thing we have been through,  not one member of our family's offered or even asked if he needed help or support with the kids. As my mam was dead by this point the only person that tried was his mam, god rest her soul. No phone calls, no hospital visits, nothing .

But am still lucky.
David is my 3rd husband. The first one is not worth mentioning, a silly mistake from my youth. The second is the oldest two "sperm donor" ( sorry jo had to pinch it), went missing for 8 years of there life and refuses to pay a penny. What he has paid over the last 13 years is about a years worth with arrears in the thousands but always finds a way to  get out of it or disappear. And David plods on, taking on more and more so I have to do less and less, never complains still loves me for me a fantastic father and a fantastic husband. He always understands when am ill, knows the right things to say or do, how to make me smile and stands by me no matter what. I have had other tests done that have thankfully came back with the all clear including for my liver, heart (they thought I had been having mini strokes),cancer and genetics. At this moment in time we are awaiting the results from a MRI scan . Every time the post comes I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I honestly don't think i could take another lot of bad news, another diagnosis of something being wrong or something else for me to fight against in order just to lead a normal life.

But am still lucky.
I am not doing well with the weight loss, still trying to battle on to get this degree as I want a better life for my family. My youngest boy has ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and may very well have a form of Talipes ( we need to have that confirmed) and taking him to Florida every two years is my goal as it really helped him to manage some of his social issues and bring him out of his shell. I don't care if I have  to scrape the money together or beg borrow and steal. I will do it for my children especially him. I don't care what any one thinks or says.

But am still lucky.
I want to work, but I can barely manage to type this blog today.

But am still lucky.........


  

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