WOW HOW TIME FLY WHEN YOU'RE HAVING FUN....NOT.

I hadn't actually noticed how long it had been since I had actually submitted here and a lot ...I mean A LOT has happened.

So as a quick catch up (try to keep up), going to quickly go through every thing now....

Finally finished University after having some resits to do. Unfortunately due to family circumstances ( which will become clear very soon), I had to leave with out my honors..which is sad.

My sister has been back and forth to the hospital with various cancer scares and at one point they thought the brain tumor she had had removed was back but it was a false alarm.

Then my husband collapsed in November whilst at the gym and was rushed to hospital. At first it was thought he had epilepsy so they carried out various MRI scans only to discover that he had a tumour in is right frontal lobe. That was just before Christmas. He went into hospital on the 2nd of January and had the tumor removed. Luckily the results came back as a grade 1 and we are just waiting on his next scan and appointment to make sure it hasn't returned or bits haven't been missed.

However we then found out he had a heart issue as well and has to undergo various heart tests only to find out that he has a hole in the heart and now has to undergo more tests with possible open heart surgery...yea that

The piece da resistance came when my dad took bad and stopped eating and drinking. Within a matter of weeks he could not walk or swallow and became agitated. He died on Mothering Sunday 11th of March, his funeral is on the 4th of April.

So there is a very quick overview of what has gone on in my life since the last I wrote.

Why am I writing now? Well to be honest I have had enough of the way society is now. I want to be a  person who speaks out , people with all kinds of disabilities are not being heard. Everything in this world is catered towards people who do not need to think about the same things we do before they go somewhere..anywhere. When you are a disabled person that all changes. there is so much you have to think about.

Too many people are affraid to speak out about disability for what ever reason, I want to be that one person who does. it is time the world and society as a whole took notice that there are disabled people in the world, in society. we do exist and we want to work, have a life, we want to do things that every one else does. We understand that there are going to be some things that we just can not do due to various reasons and that is fine, but the things that can be adapted we should be able to do and we can't...that's not fine, society, the world should start taking notice of that.

There are always protests for something, at the moment its gun control in America so there are protests against the NRA, protests from planned parent hood and these get huge media coverage. What about what is happening to and against disabled people? where are the protests, the media coverage? equality in wages is being debated and gets news coverage, what about the inequality that disabled people suffer from? There is protests and huge media coverage around the #MeToo campaign, Black lives matter, and then the coverage at the Oscars over how not enough black actors are getting the recognition they deserve...but hold on...don't disabled lives matter? Yes they do ,isn't there disabled actors, screenwriters, producers, directors etc out there that deserve recognition as well?Yes there is, but .. oh hold on no because Hollywood and the film industry in general would rather disable up an actor then actually use some one with a real disability instead of giving disabled actors a chance or up and comings their first break,  or just CGI the damn character altogether.(Don't get me started on this topic !!!), but "black" up a character well all Hell breaks lose. Double standards much??

So I ask again, where is the media attention on protests for people to get care in their home or to go out to work or have a life? There is none. I am talking about people who need care just so they can get out of bed in a morning, help to go to the bathroom, dress, shower and have a hot drink and meal more then once a day (I know us disabled we take the piss asking to eat and drink more then once, but what can I say? we are rebels). This is just to do the things that the majority of people take for granted, day in and day out. Now that care is being stripped away. Not only are we being isolated from society and activities that everyone else does, (God forbid we would want to have fun or a social life ) because business, shows and events have ousted us or forgotten to cater for us but we are now being shut up in our own homes or worse yet forced to leave. Sometimes if feels as if society and the world are forcing us to be housebound, the whole "out of sight out of mind" thing from the 40s 50s and 60s. I have gone weeks with out leaving the house , not being able to interact with anyone outside the people I live with and not being able to take part in social activities.

The hassle that most disabled people have to go through to  go out even for a couple of hours can be a nightmare and that is another thing that puts you off. I need to think about how to get there, is there stairs or do they have a lift, do they have disabled toilets and if so are they big enough for a wheelchair, is there steps to get into the building and if so will they have a ramp? I have been to restaurants before where I have had to enter by the kitchen,down a very steep ramp that the delivery's are taken in by, that has had a huge 6ft drop to one side and through the tiny kitchen and to my table. Do you have any idea how that feels when you are going out to a posh, expensive restaurant and you are wearing a lovely expensive dress and its meant to be a special occasion?Any idea how degrading that makes you feel? No you wont and more then likely never will. 

Business, shows, events will only provide what they have, to the letter of the law and no further. Don't get me wrong they are companies out there that do go that extra mile and God bless them , for one am eternally grateful and thankful, but unfortunately the majority wont and dont.

I have had a hotel tell me, and advertised they where disabled friendly but had 3 steps up to the entrance and no handrail or ramp, there answer wast to send some porters out to carry me up......no ..nope..not happening mate.

I have had a cheaper hotel chain who's idea of disabled accessible room is to have wheels on their beds so they moved instead of raised solid legs and their idea of accessible bathroom meant a lowered bath and handrails every where....great am in a wheelchair with no legs soooo tell me how this works? It means that short stays when its not really necessary do me to have a shower there its meh but any longer then one or two nights and the cheapest option is ruled out. I have traveled by train and been left sitting at the end of the line waiting for some one to help me off with a ramp or been put on a carriage that was not wide enough for my wheelchair to get to my space or even better having to go into a carriage with no disabled toilet and no way of getting my wheelchair through to the carriage it was in.

Luxury brands are even worse ! Apparently being disabled stops you form wanting to be romantic with someone or splashing out on yourself for a special occasion or is it just because the people that go to these places all the time might be offended or upset by "gasp" "horror" a disabled person? 

Business of all types are loosing out on a fortune in sales and potential customers due to not paying attention or going the extra mile. I can not be the only disabled person out there who just point blank refuses to shop at or go into certain shops? 

For me the biggest pet peeve is Claire's. Sometimes its a double whammy, you struggle into and around these shops/events/venues only to have staff ignore you, pretend to be busy or talk to the person with you as if you are an idiot all because the company couldn't be arsed to do a quick course on disabled awareness. It seems the only way to get help is to draw unnecessary attention to yourself by either shouting across the shop or knocking things accidentally off shelves as you try to squeeze past, therefore drawing ( some what embarrassingly) attention to the fact that the person you have been ignoring for the past ten minutes by picking your nails intently or finding a piece of thread to pick off something or a box to move somewhere else, actually does need help. In the meantime not only have you drawn attention to your desperate need for help but lots of nosy, interested shoppers who will mill around to see what is going on and then whisper to their companions, sometimes not quietly about you or tut tut as they walk away. (it seems to be that companies also forget to train their staff to offer help as under the Disability Act 2010 ALL business should offer disabled customers access to ALL of there goods, this means that if you have something I want and its upstairs with no lift then you should offer to get it for me or if am not sure but give you a rough idea then staff should bring me a selection if I can not access it  ie along the lines of a personal shopper but with out the bossing around having them run around for you all day, yes some disabled people are wankers too).

It seems to get any media coverage on these things we have to degrade ourselves to the point of wetting ourselves on a train or being stranded for hours before anyone is interested, then once the shock value has worn off , pretty much like the shoppers, interest dwindles until the next disabled person has a shock value, media interest story to tell.

 I have been to events where photo shoots/ props for shoots have been up on  a stage and no way for any one with mobility problems or in a wheelchair being able to access that and no way for these props to be brought to them....thats discriminating as it could have been organised better so that it was accessible to every one who might attend. I have also wanted to attend events that have had a themed bar upstairs but again no access for some one who cant use stairs and again no way of bringing that experience to them.....again discriminating. All it takes guys is a little thought, not only are you discriminating but you are losing business and so is the stall or provider.

People who have the blinkers on only care when it happens to them or someone in their family then its "ooh we should have this and we need that and its not fair " You know what mate you didn't give a flying one before until it happened to you. I have been living with one form of disability or another since the day I was born nearly 49 years ago ( only recently been accepted into the grumpy git club lol).

Companies/business/event organisers should think about how much potential revenue they are losing now and how much in the future as disabilities are on the increase. Think about the customer and what they need not just profits as my Granddad used to say " look after the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves" How about when you are designing a building you actually get committy of disabled people together to look at the specs? what about if you are redesigning a shop you actually get some one disabled in to  go around it to see if it works? what about if you are kitting out a hotel why not bring in disabled consultants who can go through everything that could be possibly needed such as bath boards, hoists and raised beds? If you are organizing an event or show look at the spaces available to you then look at where you are placing stalls, guests and props.

All I want to do is to be able to go out with my friends, be romantic with my husband or have fun with my family and am sure that's what all disabled people want at the end of the day. so listen up and wise up....

All we want..is to be heard

All we want is to be seen

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

****WARNING IF YOU ARE OVER SENSITIVE AND VERY PC YOU MAY FIND THIS A BIT CONTROVERSIAL*******

I have seen a lot of posts by people lately regarding how to address some one who is disabled or what to say /not say to them

 To be honest I find it all a bit silly

 Am not the most Politically correct person out there but as far as am concerned calling me by my name is fine. Honestly I will even answer to "thingy" or "you" even "Fred" just try not to use Jennifer too much as when I get my full name it usual means am in trouble.

I get it, some people feel that being called "wheelchair bound" "disabled" or "handicapped" (too be honest although am not fussed I try to refrain from the last one as it seems a bit degrading). They feel that these terms and others define them or that they are being defined by their disability. I am an amputee because I have had an amputation, but that does not define who I am. Am lots of things (play nice now), am a mother, wife, daughter, student, blogger, Therapist as well. I am however bound to my wheelchair to some degree, without my wheelchair I would not get very far at all or get out so the term "wheelchair bound" is accurate as far as am concerned. Disabled to me is accurate as well there are lots of things I can not do and I am not abled bodied either.

why do people get so bent out of shape by these terms and the use of them?

I have a theory ( and no its not about bunnies! and if you get that reference high five.).

From most (not all and am by no means taring every one with the same brush here), of the articles I have read there seems to be three types of people that find this terminology offensive:

"The do gooder" - People who have never suffered any kind of disability or health concern in their life but think they have the right to voice an opinion on this subject as an expert.

"The world owes me" - People,  who for what ever reason,  have become more and more bitter over time due to their disability or illness. They feel, rightly or wrongly,what has happened/wrong  to/ with them that it is every bodies fault ( I get this to some degree, its not easy to keep a positive outlook going every single day when you feel so useless and / or limited by whats wrong and the world will not accept you for you and most activities or places are not accessible, every one has their off days). But really? The world doesn't owe you jack squat mate! Yes maybe a helping hand now and then to do things or access places.  Use what you have to your advantage, make the most of it and start living because before you know it life has just passed you by.

"My life is over or why cant this have happened  to some one else"  -  People who have ended up with an illness or becoming disabled later in life through no fault of their own. Again I understand. One minute being healthy and able to do any thing or go any where, your future looking bright and shinny and the world at your feet, to within 24 hours having all this ripped away from you. It is a hard pill to swallow. It is also a bloody hard thing to get used to and come to terms with -  fighting pain, depression, friends walking away because they don't know how to react or cope, people staring, suddenly having limits put on as to what you can do, places you can go or even things you can wear.  ( I went through all of this for nearly a year and a half then decided I had enough. Now I wear what I want, I pimp my prosthesis and rock Darth Vader on one of them, wear shoes that make people stare and generally make the world bend to me.) I understand that this takes time , but some people just never adjust, adapt and learn to live with it they are too busy lamenting what they have lost.

How about instead of trying to define what we should and should not be called or what "boxes" "abled" bodied people put disabled people in, or in fact whether or not people should or should not help us with bags or opening bloody doors for us , why don't we just agree that we are just people with a difference? What terminology is used really doesn't matter does it? not unless it is meant in a bullying, nasty, creepy kind of demoralizing way. Unless some one is deliberately putting you down you define who you are, you put the limits on yourself its not a "us" and "them" thing, or at least it shouldn't be. The government have already tried to turn society against us people do not need to be helping them to do that. The next time some one asks what you like to be called make a joke or light of it , it an only offend if you choose to let it. The next time some one offers you help be grateful and smile, the next time some one opens a door for you say thank you you ungrateful git. The barriers are there and they will never go if people start to make other people feel uncomfortable to approach or help, terrified to say anything to us or engage with us or even invite us some where in case they offend, upset or seen to discriminate.

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS

Nearly at the end of March already, who would believe it. I still maintain that this year will be my year for things to work and the last two month has just been a practice run. Guess we will have to wait and see.
As you are aware if you have been following my blog ( and if you haven't why not? get reading now!), This year has not had the best of starts. However three month in and things may be slightly starting to improve.

Caught up with University work and came out with a first for my Academic Mentor presentation which was great and after my personal development meeting, found out that I might not be as screwed as I thought I was with moving on to the final year. Although if all these health issues and my dads issues had not had to be dealt with what kind of grades would I be clearing? So it is with extreme caution that I apply for my final year of finance for my degree. But what comes next? For most students this would entail a masters or PHD or perhaps getting a job, but what about some one with chronic health issues such as myself? What do I do?Well I guess that is the question isn't it. Like so many others out there in the same situation (OK I admit there are people out there who do take the piss), I really want to work, even if its part time. Here is the problem, even part time I know there will be more times spent off then in and looking at my health issues most employers will take one look at me and will pass me over nor have the time, money or patience to put up with it.
So that leaves working for myself, but what as, how? The Psych Twins was supposed to be the start of that the whole, if Mohammad can't get to the mountain then the mountain will come to Mohammed thing, but with out grants/funding and being able to get contracts its all pie in the sky, a great service I keep getting told, that is greatly needed, but no money to do what we want with it, pay ourselves a wage or hire others.

So where dose that leave me? Well back at the beginning, on ESA, unemployable despite all my skills and training, just take a look at my CV (go on take a look you will find it on my LinkedIn Profile), despite the outward appearance of a withered, useless body ( I sometimes see myself as a female "Jabba The Hut" ) there is a mine of pure knowledge, skill and enthusiasm just waiting to be tapped into. This then leads to the "what's it all for then?" phase. The point at which you relaise that you are of no use, not even to yourself. You need help at home, help to go into education and help to hold down a job (if you could actually get some one to give you a chance) and the government is slowly tearing that all away from you any way.
This then moves into the "isolation" phase. As some one who has numerous illnesses/ health issues, going out socially is not a thing. Even if I had any one who would offer me to go out socially there is the accessibility of the venue and how good or bad am feeling on the day. ( All the offers of being invited places, even by family and friends dropped off after it became apparent that to invites some one out who has to use a wheelchair 90% of the time is just to darn pesky to organize. Especially if it means that one of you have to be responsible for helping said person and good god you might have to change the venue/pub route/restaurant to make sure its accessible etc etc ...you get the picture). So if you take going to university away, I leave the house once a week with my husband...maybe to look around the shops and any drs and hospital appointments. What does that mean realistically? If am lucky I will get out once a week maybe once every two/three weeks. WOW exciting life !

This then leads into the final stage..depression. yep. What more can I say about his phase, well nothing really, its all been said before. You can't see anyway out. Nothing is going to get any better, because there is nothing you can do to make it any better. No diet, exercise regime or will power is going to change those illnesses so you can go out to work, therefore get out more socially, have money to enjoy life, get  mortgage, move up in the world etc etc. No way of being a good little citizen just like the government want you to be. So you are labeled a scrounger, a waste of space, useless and society look down on you, and the government? well they just keep taking benefits away from you making it harder and harder to function on a day to day base, telling you to "get a job" "loose weight" "exercise" "this is how to improve your life and your credit"..we know! but we can't can we no one will let us.

Money wise, am lucky my husband runs his own business which ticks along for us, so things don't effect me as much as some people I know  - disabled and non disabled. I would love to go back to work, hold down a job doing something I would enjoy, bringing home a wage and getting off benefits. I dream of getting  a mortgage and owning my own house, done out to my specification no expense spared, holiday every year never mind twice a year instead of saving for 2 year to go away for  2 weeks (meaning no treats for the kids, no weekend breaks as a couple, no date nights, no family days out, no new clothes , going no where during the summer holidays etc etc).... and yes for those out there who follow my profile on Facebook I save to go to Florida and am well aware there are people who cant afford a weekend away, I did say am lucky.......to have more of a social life with my family and  friends rather then wondering if am getting out the house for an hour or two in the next 14 days.

Who knows maybe things will turn around. Maybe funding will come in and I can finally get The Psych Twins off the ground the way I want too and make a wage that way. Maybe my health will improve and I will get a job or there is some employer out there who will let me freelance as a writer or something and come in when I can for a wage.

Maybe I will become a tv personality and be on political shows and news program or have my own show. Maybe I will become a famous author. Maybe I will get the acting offer I cant refuse because of my unique physique as an amputee. and matronly and northern..yea OK the least of the lot to come true. All I do know is that I will keep on trying, wishing and dreaming. Oh and am getting an electric wheelchair ! so bright side I get to any future Film and Comic Conventions I can play a Darlek....

......................Que Dr Who theme music.........

THAT IN-BETWEEN STUFF

Christmas means different things to different people. To most it's supposed to be a time with family, to have fun, over eat and be jolly. What about the people it effects differently? The lonely, the people dealing with mental health issues and depression and the homeless.

Loneliness and depression effect different people in different ways. Having recently been diagnosed with depression this month and being put on anti depressants it is not something I would wish on anyone. Things just got on top of me and found it really difficult to cope. Between my health getting worse, issues with my heart, cancer scare and dealing with my dads dementia diagnosis's it all become too much and I ended taking time off university. It can be a very debilitating thing to experience. Feeling disjointed, empty, everything looks grey and muted.

The anti depressants that I have been put on for the last month are duloxetine. The main problem I am having with them is the drowsiness during the day and the limb pain. A night time is horrific. The phantom limb pain feels like a cross between pins and needles /numbness and electrical firing with small shards of glass digging into my legs. This feeling goes up from the end of my stump all the way to just below my knee.
Due to this, since starting the anti depressants I have yet to have a good full nights sleep which is draining to say the least.

I also hate to admit that I have to acknowledge how much the pain killers actually do help after running out of them this festive period. I suppose like most people I thought that I would be better off with out the pain killers, that they would be easy to give up if I wanted to because, hey what good did they do anyway? They didn't take the pain away, in fact taking smarties would have more use..so I thought. Like I said it wasn't until I went with out them all together for the last 4 days that I actually found out just how much of the pain they did dull. They might not take all of it away but they sure as hell tone it down. I felt like a junkie gagging for a fix when David came back with the prescription from the chemist.
On top of the phantom limb pain there was the bone pain, knees, elbows, back, hips and wrists with the arthritis not to mention the swelling and pain in all the joints such as fingers, neck etc, nerves, skin itching and sensitivity of the skin which is due to the Fibromyalgia...Yea fun festive season. However this didn't stop me from enjoying this Christmas, although it feels like it went really quickly. I was even brave and ventured into the town (which is unknown to me during the month of December full stop). This did not help the stress as on top of it being busy, the festive spirit in people seemed to be non existant. If you only got as tall as their waists as you where more seen as being in the way and I swear if I had to hear one more person tut behind me or loudly complain that I was in the way and they couldn't get where they wanted to be instantly, I would have went on a rolling rampage ! You would think if they had mouths big enough to complain very loudly to their shopping companions, they could open them to say "excuse me".
However in the New Year am at the chronic pain clinic and the cardiologist so lets see how that goes.

Despite all of this I have tried to stay positive and it helped that we where awarded a grant from Starbucks redcupcheer campaign. I know it sounds sad but I was so excited to find out The Psych Twins had won the money, I was bubbling with excitement.  We managed to speak to Sun FM who agreed to deliver some bags of shopping to a food bank for us on Christmas Eve. So the poor long suffering husband had to do the shop at Asda  and get the bags down to the radio station. We have also been able to help Age UK in Sunderland by putting hampers together for the New Year for them and Centre Point in Sunderland who support 16-21 year olds who are homeless, who we are going to buy things for again in the New Year.

So as life ebbs and flows around us so my life has it's usual ups and downs, and this festive period as been a variety bag of plus and minuses. The downside being the pain and depression but the up side being the good deeds we are going to be able to do for people and the help we can give through The Psych Twins. Michael and Georgia have been up for the week which was another huge plus and there are lots of things on the horizon for both The Amputee Diaries and The Psych Twins in 2016 but also more medical issues.

Stay strong and be true to yourselves and I wish all my readers a happy and safe New Year and look forward to blogging for you all in 2016 what ever it may bring my way I will make sure you are the first to know.

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS OR SO THEY SAY

Things have been a little hectic since going back to university.

Every thing going well, lots of reading of psychology books as you would expect, assignments already starting to come out of the woodwork and this year we have a new support worker, Gail. There was no issues getting the taxis sorted back out and things seem to be running smoothly at uni for a change although debating the psychology of religion is interesting. However I cant say that in other areas of my life.

My farther, since being diagnosed with mixed dementia just before I returned to uni, has received no help what so ever. In fact the social worker that was assigned to him decided that because she saw dishes in the sink and assumed (wrongly) that meant he had eaten that day (in fact those dishes had been there for a number of days, that she saw no rubbish (because my sister had cleaned the house just days before, which we told her) and she could not smell any bodily smells ( will leave that one to your imagination), then he was capable of making his own decisions. This even though the CPN who was there knew the consultant from the Dementia clinic had declared that just looking at him any one could tell he was "not all there ". Lovely man (insert sarcasm here). Don't even get me started on the way he treat and talked to my dad.

So we are slowly watching his money going missing, his house going to wrack and ruin and him not changing his clothes or eating because we can not get help for him. This all due to this social workers recommendations on him being capable.

So that on top of uni work. Then you need to add on my health getting worse.

 With the onset of the colder weather now in the UK ,my joints and mobility are getting worse and so are my stumps. Already on paracetamol, Nepfom and Tramadol. So after ringing the doctors I was put on Oramorph 5 - 10ml every four hours. Not a good thing for uni. Have been taking 2.5 ml in the hope that I could get away with that. Nope. Needed to up it to 5 ml a couple of days ago. This made university very interesting yesterday. We where doing a spot on visual attention, so here's me high on medication trying to count how many Blues are in the song Blue by Eiffel 64 at the same time trying to find Wally.......I think I was an outlier....it was a very trippy effect to say the least but the lecture found it amusing to say the least. Today I have woke up with a swollen  right stump and purple spots all over the bottom of my stump. Putting the liner on is like a million shards of glass in my skin and that's before putting weight through the leg. My initial thought is a reaction to the Morphine due to upping the dose. So off I come. The pain is unbearable, but am grinning through it like I always do, hoping that tomorrow its manageable and I can get into uni. I have an assessment on the 4th of November for an electric wheelchair, which if I get it will make my life so much easier giving me so much more independence.

So now we have uni work, dad with dementia and pain increase. Then you need to add the event in the mix.

Last Saturday we held a promotion at The Bridges in Sunderland . This was to promote the Halloween Monster Masquerade Ball on the 31st at the Stadium of Light, but also to promote what The Psych Twins do.
The response was fantastic and in just little over a week we have had 700 new visitors to the site. We are thrilled. The final preparations are in place now, balloons for the tables booked, decorations for the room ordered and costumes bought. I am going as Cruela De Vile. I have even bought a Dalmatian cuddly toy to hold and stroke so am going to look like Blowfelt from James Bond....just with no legs, well plastic legs..you know what I mean.

For information on our event go to https://www.facebook.com/events/417935758373799/

Facebook page is https://www.facebook.com/psychtwinsfundraising

Twitter https://twitter.com/psychtwins

Website http://thepsychtwins.bravesites.com/

If you would like to donate to The Psych Twins http://www.jumblebee.co.uk/post/trvDZTEUem

FROM THE HIGHLIFE TO THE LOWS IN LIFE AS WELL AS THE GRITTY BITS.

And the world moves on…

 

Just had some devastating news regarding my dad this week. He has been diagnosed with mixed dementia, which is both dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. It’s aggressive and already at the stage of forgetting who we are, to eat, take medication, change his clothes etc, not to mention the mood swings and how he can sometimes be verbally abusive to my sister.  The doctor at the specialist clinic was so off handed about the whole thing when giving us the diagnosis and the way he spoke to my dad was if he was rubbish or not even there. He offered no support, medication to help with his anxiety and nowhere to turn to.

This got me thinking about how I was perceived by these people. The feeling after seeing this doctor at the specialist clinic, who when I started asking questions regarding his brain scan, demanded to know who I was and if I was in the medical profession and how did I know this information,  was very much that I had achieved or done very little because I was in a wheelchair and disabled. By the look on his face it was obvious that he had wrote me off being in a wheelchair. The look of amazement and shock on his face when I told him I was at University studying psychology was priceless! Needless to say his attitude towards me changed but not towards my dad.

The same thing happened with his GP.  Even though I was the one asking the questions and talking to him his whole body was turned away from me and all answers where directed to my sister and husband. This is extremely annoying to say the least. It also seemed to infuriate him that I could use the same language has him. This resulted in him picking up on any mistake I made about dementia or the brain even though I told him I did not know anywhere near enough information to understand what was going on completely, but that doesn’t mean I can’t make educated comments or guesses.

At this point I also started to wonder if other people with disabilities got treat the same way from so called “caring “professionals? I can never remember being treat like this before the amputations or pre wheelchair use. But this brings me to other small things that I have noticed but hasn’t really hit home before now. Such as automatic doors into places. You have them working or always open but have you noticed that if you have a pram or someone in a wheelchair you are the one waiting for other people to finish using it and wait for them to let you through? There can be 4 or 5 other doors for people who are able and capable to go through, but no, they would rather que, tut and moan and wait for you to get through, force their way through WHILST you are trying to go through, my personal favourite…quickly jump in front of you or step over you to go through ahead of you instead of thinking to themselves “ wheelchair/ pram coming through I will just use my hands and arms to push another door open to go through. What is even funnier with this is the look they give you as you are waiting on them to finish and let you through, it’s as if you are shit on their shoe or an inconvenience to their lives somehow, that’s if they can even be bothered to look at you. Some prefer to pretend they are not ill mannered or ignorant by looking straight ahead and not even acknowledge you are there.

Then there are the problem solvers. They can be a stranger, care professional, friend or even a family member. The ones who will try to fix everything when all you want is for them to listen, believe you when you say you have tried and maybe understand a little.

 Let’s face it, no one will truly understand what it is like to live with your disability on a daily basis or what you go through just to do something that before, or other people take for granted. I wouldn’t wish that on any one, but trust us, if we say we have thought every which way to try and do something or we tell you we can’t do something or something won’t work, or even if it’s a case of we have a hang up about doing something so we don’t want to do it, please, believe us, its true. Although you mean well and are only trying to help by finding a solution you’re not. All it does is infuriates us (well me anyway), makes me feel useless and as if am trying to get out of whatever “it” is. It also makes us (and again by us I mean me) feel like more of a nuisance and/or failure when we do try your “fix” to the problem, even though we have told you it won’t work, and fail, because guess what?....it wasn’t going to work like we said to start with.

My husband is a fixer and God love him, he really try’s to work outside the box so I can experience and do what I want to do. Sometimes he comes up with things I have not even thought of trying or considered, which is great! But other times he goes on and on trying to find a solution even when we have exhausted everything logical and inventive that won’t humiliate me or end up hurting or endangering my life. It just he is so focused on trying to find a solution for me because he wants me to be happy, that he doesn’t see when it stops being helpful and becomes painful or upsetting because he is going on and on about it. At this point it just feels that it is being hammered home over and over what I can’t do and am useless.

Until just last week he didn’t understand why it would upset me after a while of looking for a way around something. When I explained it to him he told me that he knew it upset me when I couldn’t do stuff I wanted with the family and all he wanted to do was make it so I didn’t miss out. What he hadn’t realised is how much it could potentially upset me when there was just no solution to be found and he kept trying to fix it.

Maybe it’s just me. It wouldn’t surprise me really. I have always liked to be different.

DARE TO BE DIFFERENT

So Tyler's transition into comprehensive is going well. Too well, he has really enjoyed the couple of days he has spent at the school looking around and taking part in all the activities. However am wondering if it is going to be a different story once he is there full time, having to mix with the older kids and change classes all the time, learning a totally different routine. Biggest problem with him having ASD is that he does not cope well with his routine being changed.
I worry about how he is going to cope with the changing routine, the overload on his senses of sights, sounds and smells, the amount of people there are going to be. Any one of these is a potential for a meltdown for Tyler. That's not even mentioning the bully's , you know how cruel kids can be when they find out you are different to them. I certainly do. Having vivid memories from my School days at comprehensive. Constantly feeling left out, on the edge, unliked and used for peoples verbal punch bags when they felt down about themselves. Various cat calls of "spaca" " granny boots" "freak" and "cripple". Maybe am just being over sensitive because of what I have gone through, after all his differences are not physical, but even though things have supposedly moved on etc etc kids can still be cruel little gits when they want to be.
Maybe am just being a typical mum but I can't help but wonder if we are in for a rough ride when he starts school.

This brings me to the think about the difference between what is meant between "disabled" and "accessible". In this country disabled and accessible seem to mean the same thing.  Although there has been some hotels in London when we where looking to book somewhere for the London Film and Comic Con that seemed to stretch the idea of both. One hotel thought that when they listed their hotel as disabled friendly it did not matter that disabled access only meant that it was a wide foyer and automatic doors but that there where a  couple of steps at the front to access the building in the first place. When questioned about disabled access into the building, I was told that there was no ramp but if I could not manage the 6 steps outside ( bearing in mind I had already told them I was in a wheelchair and could not do stairs) then some of their staff would come and lift me in....really??? No. I dont think so.  "Disabled" toilets have both grab rails and raised toilets as well as lower sinks and wider doors for wheelchairs. The same with accessible buildings. They have automatic doors, bigger lifts and ramps. But the same thing is not true for other countries.
This has been noticeable when I have been travelling to America. In Orlando Accessible means a slightly bigger toilet with a grab rail and a slightly higher toilet, but not actually big enough to go in with a wheelchair. If you are a wheelchair user then you need to ask where a Disabled bathroom is which is then big enough for a wheelchair to get in and position/ turn around, lowered sink and hand dryer and a higher toilet and raised toilet seat and grab rails.
Bear in mind the toilets in Florida are a lot lower then in the UK so when I say the toilet is higher it means that it is about the size you would get in this country. But not every country has facilities for disabled people regardless if they are in a wheelchair or not. So I suppose we should be grateful that we do in the UK.
But are you like me? I get frustrated when you have a large male and female toilet block but only two disabled bathrooms and people still insist on using the disabled ones, even when there is no line in the other ones. This is  because they want to do their makeup and talk to  their friends or they just can't be bothered to walk the extra few steps  to the other toilets. I never have a problem with some one with a pram or small toddler especially if it is a dad out on his own with the little one . Using the disabled toilet in that situation is fair enough in my opinion. I don't know whats worse though the fact when they come out they wont look you in the eye or they come out head held high and completely blank you as if you don't exist and you are not sitting there at all !

But that is my ramblings for today. Another busy week behind me and another one ahead of me. Pain killers still not working so guess its back to the docs for that. More issues with the hands so cooking is now becoming an issue for me and any work I do have to do am finding that I am fitting it in as and when the pain and swelling allows me. The event for The Psych Twins is coming along nicely and we have been very lucky with the prizes we have been donated so far. Now we are just waiting for the printers then we can look at doing the promotion in the Bridges. Forced to look at new cars by the hubby as our mobility car is due to be renewed and preparing myself for the mayhem that will soon be the summer holidays.

If you want to get in touch with me you can on the following links for linkendin, Facebook and Twitter
https://www.linkedin.com/profile/preview?vpa=pub&locale=en_U

https://twitter.com/greebo89

https://www.facebook.com/theamputeediaries

or find out more about The Psych Twins

thepsychtwins.bravesites.com

TIME GOES SO QUICK....

So Annabelle 16th birthday has came and gone already. Michael is coming up twenty one in less then a week and Eden ( my second eldest daughter ), turns nine the day after Mikey.

As well as getting crowned in Disney we took her for a meal in town. A restaurant called D'Aqua in Sunderland.

Now this restaurant does not have disabled access, in fact there is quiet a steep set of steps at the front of the premises. However upon ringing them they helped to solve the problem and told me that there would be no issues for me to use the kitchen access at the back of the building as it was ramped with one small step to negotiate,

The staff and owners bent over backwards for myself and to accommodate the wheelchair and where fantastic with the little ones as well. Nothing was too much trouble for them and they made the children feel welcome. even thought it is what I would class as a up market/ chic restaurant. As for myself I felt very comfortable and not once did they make me feel as if I was an inconvenience ! Bravo ! unfortunately there are not many places around where they bother to take into account your whole experience including how you feel and make you feel welcome.

So if you are looking for somewhere a little different and that little bit special I would defiantly give this place a go.

If you do have mobility issues like myself then do ring them They are very accommodating (within reason of course), and are more then happy to help if they can, The prices where good and the food quality was out of this world. My kids can be fussy eaters especially Tyler as he has sensory ASD, but they left nothing and even asked for more.

 The cake we had made for her by Bella Sweet delights, I will put the link for both the restaurant and Bella at the end of this blog should you be interested.

The limb center meeting about the bleeding stumps and coldness of the legs went better then expected. They are sending me for a scan of my legs as although they have a good pulse they could be a narrowing of the arteries or a blockage which is causing the issue.

This has had to be referred from the GPs  so as yet still waiting on an appointment.

The kitchen is now looking more like a kitchen. We finally got a sink back and cupboards to put things away. Still waiting on flooring but we do have the holes fixed with ply wood over the top, An extractor fan and tilling still need to be done so we can then decorate but still missing skirting boards.

This has now been on going for  6 or 7 weeks now so starting to get a little sick and tired of it all.

The last thing I want to mention is help for anyone who might be looking or thinking of going back to work.

Don't think that there is no help out there as if you need support, help with your travel needs or specialist equipment then it is available through Access to Work.

As well as this there is a little known about incentive for employers to take you on as well. There are funds available for the prospective employer to have adaptations done at no expense to them as well as money for taking you on. There is no cost to the employer for any help or equipment supplied. This can include things like chairs, desks or wrist rests and many more things.


Next time I will be reviewing the services used for Toyahs birthday, my charity head shave, Sun FM interview and help being put in place for the exams (hopefully ).

I would love feed back on this blog so please feel free to share and comment and if there is anything in particular you would like me to look into or have a question about then please let me know.

On a lighter note..when moving please remember to take the one break off you have put on as you will end up going round in circles..just like I did because I forgot !

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Bellas-sweet-delights/619275984859630?fref=ts

http://www.dacqua.co.uk/

https://www.facebook.com/pages/DAcqua-Restaurant-and-Bar/158809227587465?fref=ts

https://www.gov.uk/access-to-work/overview

ITS BEEN A WHILE...MISS ME?

First off my apologies for not submitting anything for a long time.

A lot has happened in 6 months. Started university in Sunderland and although some days are better then others am managing alright for the most part. The Reg Vardy building has a few issues in regards to accessing the rooms for seminars and the lift has been off a few times in the last couple of month , but over all not too bad, I have seen worse . The prospect building where the bulk of the lectures are held and the library is housed is great and very easy to access. I have a support worker to push me around with me not being able to self propel due to the fibromyalgia and to take notes if things get too bad, but the lecturers have been extremely helpful. Not doing too bad on the work side of things and coming up to exam season soon so preparing for that. Busy finishing up the last of the essays and reports. Can't believe the time has gone so quickly.

Went back to Florida again in October and what a brilliant time. Flew with Thompson and I have to say their attention to detail was outstanding.

The help we received with the wheelchair and getting the help I needed to get on and off the flight was brilliant. We stayed in a Finding Nemo suite in the Art of Animation and although it was budget it was a lovely resort, very accessible for me including the pool area. They have accessible rooms with roll in showers which where fantastic.  We used Tiffany Town cars to get around outside the park and again great when it came to dealing with me and the wheelchair.

No matter where I went, shopping, Universal or the Disney parks the staff where all very helpful and it never felt that me or my needs where an inconvenience. I have to admit the first time I thought of going on holiday after the amputation never mind abroad it was terrifying ! Then to go abroad on a 9 hour flight, well lets just say I thought I was insane to do it with 5 kids in tow, but if you are willing to take a leap of faith it is worth it. I experienced more this time and made a point of going on more rides and taking part in more photo opportunity's which is exactly what I did.  To be honest it is a shame that places in the UK don't take a leaf out of Disney, Universal and Thompson book with regards to how they treat disabled people and children with disability's

Tyler was never left out of anything either due to his ASD. When the ques where too much for him and there was issue with sensory overload due to his ASD they give us a card . You went to some one on the ride showed them the card and they would give you a time to return for that ride FREE. Now this might sound familiar and so it should. It is the same principle as the fast pass system used in this country at places such as Alton Towers and Thorpe park, but these you have to pay for on top of your admission ticket. In the UK you are made to feel like an inconvenience in these places or that you are making people go out of their way to accommodate you. This in turn can make you feel like you don't want to take part or get in the way, even when you are like me and have a hide like a rhino.

November and December passed with a few issues concerning my health and Tyler's school.

A small run in with a teacher who was teaching back in the day when children being "too clever for their own good" or the attitude of no such thing as ADHD just naughty children applied. Tyler and him had a few run inns just before Christmas which caused Tyler's ASD to escalate. This accumulated in a suggestion being made that he should go to a inclusion school as he would never pass his STATS due to being uncontrollable , (this was news to us as Tyler has never had any issues like this at school before) and things happening like Tyler walking out of class and getting into arguments with the teacher. (mind you why a grown man is arguing with a ten year old to start with never mind a ten year old with ASD !!). After a very interesting meeting where it was pointed out that said teacher shouting at Tyler all the time was the same as him physically hitting him.,(Tyler's ASD is sensory so loud noises cause him pain), and asking why things that had been agreed to be put in place had not been implemented yet, making sure things that had been implemented where still being carried out I requested for him to see a Educational Psychologist.

After various tests it turns out that Tyler is a gifted boy and there should be no reason why he wont pass is STATS, go to comprehensive in top sets and fly through University ! Said teacher is retiring this year.
So Christmas came and went and so did my kitchen. After a hole appearing in the floor it was deemed too dangerous for me to use the kitchen with the wheelchair. So I started trying to cook meals alternating between the kitchen and taking rests in my wheelchair that I had parked at the entrance to the kitchen. This did not work well. Then the real problems started.

Now am used to my left stump splitting, after checking with the limb center I was told that this was nothing to worry about as it was the way the scar was and it was just rubbing in the liner. But now my right stump has split and there is no reason , nothing to rub and it has split along my scar. After a run around with the NHS and being bounced from a NHS direct call center , to a paramedic, to the GP, to a skin specialist who turned out to be a district nurse and finally to the limb center, I have ended up on antibiotics and a emergency appointment at the Limb center. However this has unfortunately lead to nearly two weeks off from University,

 So now you are all caught up.....just about. There is some interesting news on the horizon. A colleague and me are going to be doing some research into therapy pre and post op in the hope to push this through into a regional center to provide support, advice and therapy for people  not just with amputations but with all disability's. I am also looking at expanding the use of this blog into assessing venues, events, hotels, pubs, cinemas, clubs etc for the ease of use, treatment and helpfulness. AS well as this we are looking to set up a website and information leaflet. Watch this space !!

Next blog I will let you know how my daughters 16th went and how the restaurant helped me to make the most of the night with my family. I have two birthdays coming up at different venues in Sunderland as well as Newcastle Film and Comic Con at the Newcastle Arena, which I will be reviewing as well, hope fully am looking to get some input from said venues and events as well.

 Hopefully though my experience of taking chances like going back into full time education, starting my own business, going out to work etc I can encourage and help other people to do the same. Showing that just because you have had a amputation, or you are wheelchair bound or in fact have any kind of disability, even if you know some one ,a family member or friend maybe even your child who has a disability  that effects them, there is places you can go, things to do and experiences to enjoy.

Live life to the max. Never give up.

Useful links from this blog:

http://www.tiffanytowncar.com/about.html link to the town car service used in Florida.



http://www.thomson.co.uk/gsa/gsa.html?q=disability&site=default_collection&client=production_frontend_new&proxystylesheet=production_frontend_new&output=xml_no_dtd&toySiteSearch=Go  -  Link to FAQ about issues concerning disability's on Thompson holidays and flights

http://sls.sunderland.ac.uk/disability/dsa/ - Link to Disability services at Sunderland University.

SUMMER

I have now been on summer break from University since the end of May and the weeks have been stretching away into the distance. It seemed at one point that they would go on forever, but as I sit and type this I realise that it won't be long before am back at University again.

Am due to start back on the 22nd of September and my freshers week timetable has just arrived starting on the 15th of September. I have to be honest and say that the summer weeks have been slow for me and am looking forward to going back and getting my teeth stuck into the work. I was really happy with my results from my first year which was a level 0 with most of my exams and assignments coming back as a first. So it was with a happy squeal of  delight that I read my transcript to see a pass and proceed.

My meeting with the DSA team at the university went great and am going to be getting a lot more support from them this year that wasn't in place last year. Things such as extra time for exams, copy of lecture notes in advance, a scribe to take notes when my hands are too bad or to help during the exams, deadline extensions if needed, rest breaks and the ability to record lectures as well. Taxis all week to get too and from University and a support worker for 37.5 hours a week, which is great and means I can work in the library when I need too when I don't have a lecture or seminar. They are also sorting out desks for the right height for the wheelchair and extra loan times or help in the library as well. I think the problem last year was down to the fact that it was not through the University itself but in partnership with the college. This meant that things I should have had the college could not supply or had not been informed about by the powers that be and the University could only pass on what my needs where  as technically although I am a University student, I fell under the college jurisdiction.  Hopefully the college will sort out the issues they had ready for the new term this year.

David Goldman building where the first lecture will be  the welcome from the Dean

So what else has been happening since we last spoke? I hear you cry ( ok well maybe I didn't hear it but you might be thinking it? ) My eldest came back from University at Stafford at the end of May and is now getting ready to go off to Leeds festival in a couple of weeks. He will then be home for a few days when he will be packing back up again to head back to University. Sadly I lost one of my cats last week Harley Kitty  so that upset every one in the house.  

Harley Kitty RIP

The other health issues are the same old same old. Back at the chest clinic for my sleep apnea and chronic fatigue . Looks like I will have to take my CPAP machine on holiday with me. Also had to go back to the doctors for Tramadol and to see about my hands as the pins and needles are getting worse and am now losing the feeling in some of my fingers. They think it might be a nerve problem so we will wait and see.  As for the weight loss?..well...mmm.. not so good. I admit I have no willpower  which sucks when you are trying to lose weight and need to be good. I have upped my exercise program so as well as doing my physio on a morning and my version of Ti Chi, I am also doing push ups, weights, leg raises and wheelchair exercises I found on You tube. As well as this I have changed my eating habits. Cut out processed bread and food, eating more salads, fruit and veg along with fresh meat. As well as this I am also trying out that 5.2 diet. This is where you eat as normal 5 days a week and fast with shakes for two days. You also get one meal each of the two days but no more then 126 cals per meal. Yes I do feel that am starving but having looked into weight loss surgery as recommended by my doctor, I would rather do this then put myself through that. Any one who reckons that it is an easy option have no idea what they are talking about! Although I do have to say some of the people I know who have put themselves through this have wasted their chance as they are not making the drastic changes or not sticking to the changes they need to, so in my opinion have put themselves through all of that stress and pain for nothing. But as usual I will keep at it and try my best. Its not all doom and gloom I have managed to shift a couple of pound at least.

So to end this on a good note we finally told the kids about going back to Florida this September. We waited for Tylers 10th birthday party and got Captain Jack Sparrow to tell them. To say I have the most reserved and typically English children ever is an understatement. They didn't get excited until after they left lol.

 So every thing is ready for us leaving on the 29th for two weeks in the sun. Now that we have been before we are aware of what to do and what to expect for myself being in a wheelchair and Tyler who has ASD. There has been new things I have found out in my extensive research this time that I did not know the last time. Such as getting a wheelchair adapted room with a roll in shower, DAS and AAS passes for universal and Disney World for Tyler, making restaurants aware I am wheelchair bound prior to the meal,being able to order groceries delivered to your room and booking a Town Car for going off property so you don't have to drive or worry about accessibility. I have also decided to blog more about my experience traveling with my disability and various health issues as well as blogging more about my experience at University. They will be more pictures as well. This is in the hope that it will help people who are going through/been trough, friends and family's of any one who has any kind of disability or health issue  to know that life doesn't have to stop because of it no matter what the disability/health issue is.

YOU CAN ACHIEVE WHAT EVER YOU PUT YOUR MIND TOO. YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON THAT CAN HOLD YOU BACK 

FUTURE PROOFING

Its not long now till the end of my first year on a Degree course. It has been enjoyable and at times frustrating, sometimes down right annoying, but the main thing is how far I have come as a person.

So whilst revising for or last two exams and awaiting the final results for our assignments we organised a visit to St Peters Campus and the DSA team based at The Gateway. This is something I would highly recommend for any one thinking of starting a University course anywhere, Disabled or not. It proved to be the best thing we did. For me it was the peace of mind knowing where I was going to be, knowing what to expect as this helped with my stress and anxiety issues. As well as that it was a dry run for getting around the campus with the wheelchair, fitting into lecture halls and class rooms and through doors. Again this helps with knowing what to expect so it is not a nasty surprise or embarrassment come September. For Jo it was the peace of mind knowing what was going to be expected of us , time tabling for child care and mental preparation.

 We met the head of the module who was really happy to answer any questions we had, talk us through the program and made sure we where comfortable. putting us at our ease.

 The space was incredible and so where the facilities and Jo and I have already sussed out the best root from the library to the Costa coffee shop and the canteen :). The meeting with the DSA team was brilliant as well. Again if you are thinking of attending college or University get in touch with these people. I didn't even realise how much help was available to me during my time at University. Everything from transport to get there, a helper around campus, to access to class notes in advance, rest breaks and support put in place for field trips and exams.

The library 

Looking around the campus the excitement grew and now am bouncing with the idea of starting and feel that September cant hurry up fast enough now for two reasons! I would never have thought 12 month ago that I would be able to do this or even get this far. My health was getting worse (still is but we are working on that), I had to leave work, the amputation hadn't gone according to plan and had not given me the freedom I had hoped and wished for, I was not in a good place mentally with regards to depression, body image and self confidence.

Now here I am, all assignments completed and handed in 3 weeks early, getting ready to sit my year end exams, preparing for moving to campus, looking at joining societies and trying to organize a fund raising event where I will have to be in the public arena and on display deliberately looking silly!(more news of this to follow).

my view of the lecture

Main lecture hall, my view from where I will be sat

This is the beautiful view from the canteen.
 

So this moves us on to my health and weight issues. Recently I decided that I needed to up the game with these two things. So this has taken the form of making sure I do my physio every day and I have added to this a bastardized version of step aerobics using the first step of my stairs and stepping on and off it . I currently can manage 10 of these before it hurts. Coupled with this I have started to try walking to the sitting room, bedroom and toilet with out the aid of my crutches. Its hair raising at times but I can do it...just. I have 141 days left before I head of to Florida and I want to be more mobile to do the things I couldn't do 2 year ago. I also want to try and improve my health so that I can get rid of the CPAP machine and ease the pain from the fibro and arthritis. This is not going to be easy and I know this, but its something I have to at least try other wise I will feel like a failure. I have posted a picture along with a video of me walking, this is a big step for me doing this mentally considering how embarrassed I feel and how much of a low opinion and low self esteem  I have of myself. This is a testimonial of how far I have come so far and the journey still ahead. Wish me luck !!!

This is me now at just over 21st

this is me showing how I walk at the moment and the size I am right now

THE END OF THE ACADEMIC YEAR

This time at college has really flown by. In less than 5 weeks I will come to the end of my first year on my Extended Degree in Psychology. September will see me moving onto campus at St Peters and playing with the big boys.

I remember thinking that I would never understand any thing they where on about in Research Methods, IT or Algebra and Stats. Now look at me I am heading towards a first, Still don't understand but can do Algebra..if forced too!( still want to know why the letters, its wrong, so wrong, what do they stand for Apple, X for Xray? is it some secret mathematical Morse code or something?) Getting ready to sit a Stats exam and created, implemented and wrote a 20 page report on an experiment to do with memory for Research Methods with Joanne ( although must remember to call them "participants" and not "victims").

All joking aside, the last 9 month has been a hell of a ride for me and helped me develop, grow and become comfortable with who I am and where am at in my life. The best thing I ever did was leave the rat race and I now know that being in a wheelchair does not stop you from living your life to the full. Its not been an easy lesson and not every thing at college has been smooth. I still feel that they have a lot of kinks to iron out not just for disabled students but for everyone who takes a HE course as part of the University.

Friday sees me going across to the University for a visit to campus so I can get an idea of what faces me across their and to iron out any bumps. Also meeting with the staff and the DSA team who will help me with any needs I have. Promise to bring back photos ! Am thinking of taking on a more active role at University as well, getting more involved in things on campus. So I am applying to be a BPS student rep as well as looking at raising money/awareness for mental health with Jo by doing a lot of crazy and fun things during fresher week in September and last week of College( need to get permission first and work things out). But watch this space.

Not going to even mention my weight as am sulking about it and not speaking to my body ! but when I get out of my strop I will give you an update.

To be fair these last couple of weeks have been hard. I am currently fighting off an infection under my arm where an abscess burst and its making me feel rather ill, the sleep apnea seems to be getting worse, so too the arthritis and am swelling up like a balloon due to the fibro. So i think I can forgive myself a little here for not being hyper good with  the food and exercise.

But a bit of good news to end. I can now walk into the sitting room or to the bathroom without using my crutches or the chair. Its progress, slow, but at least its something. :)