THE END OF THE ACADEMIC YEAR

This time at college has really flown by. In less than 5 weeks I will come to the end of my first year on my Extended Degree in Psychology. September will see me moving onto campus at St Peters and playing with the big boys.

I remember thinking that I would never understand any thing they where on about in Research Methods, IT or Algebra and Stats. Now look at me I am heading towards a first, Still don't understand but can do Algebra..if forced too!( still want to know why the letters, its wrong, so wrong, what do they stand for Apple, X for Xray? is it some secret mathematical Morse code or something?) Getting ready to sit a Stats exam and created, implemented and wrote a 20 page report on an experiment to do with memory for Research Methods with Joanne ( although must remember to call them "participants" and not "victims").

All joking aside, the last 9 month has been a hell of a ride for me and helped me develop, grow and become comfortable with who I am and where am at in my life. The best thing I ever did was leave the rat race and I now know that being in a wheelchair does not stop you from living your life to the full. Its not been an easy lesson and not every thing at college has been smooth. I still feel that they have a lot of kinks to iron out not just for disabled students but for everyone who takes a HE course as part of the University.

Friday sees me going across to the University for a visit to campus so I can get an idea of what faces me across their and to iron out any bumps. Also meeting with the staff and the DSA team who will help me with any needs I have. Promise to bring back photos ! Am thinking of taking on a more active role at University as well, getting more involved in things on campus. So I am applying to be a BPS student rep as well as looking at raising money/awareness for mental health with Jo by doing a lot of crazy and fun things during fresher week in September and last week of College( need to get permission first and work things out). But watch this space.

Not going to even mention my weight as am sulking about it and not speaking to my body ! but when I get out of my strop I will give you an update.

To be fair these last couple of weeks have been hard. I am currently fighting off an infection under my arm where an abscess burst and its making me feel rather ill, the sleep apnea seems to be getting worse, so too the arthritis and am swelling up like a balloon due to the fibro. So i think I can forgive myself a little here for not being hyper good with  the food and exercise.

But a bit of good news to end. I can now walk into the sitting room or to the bathroom without using my crutches or the chair. Its progress, slow, but at least its something. :)

SPRING TIME AND NEW BEGINNINGS

Can't believe its been 2 month since I last updated this.

Although things haven't been fast moving  things have still progressed in all areas of my life.

Started taking the physiotherapy more seriously again and have Incorporated it with other exercises in the hope that it will help me lose some weight. If not then at least it should keep my fitness levels up and help tone up some of the flabby bits. As a family we are all trying to eat a lo healthier and have stopped buying meat and fruit from the supermarket and using a local butchers in Grange town called Stirks instead. Their meat is the best and so are the prices so it is not just healthier but cheaper, always a bonus. we have also stopped buying so much processed food from the supermarket as well as changing from their bread to fresh baked bread . All of this seems to have helped my IBS a lot so another win win situation. Weight loss isn't great bu it is starting to decrease. The worst part is working out what is due to being unhealthy and weight gain and what is down to swelling from IBS, Arthritis and Fibromyalgia as these can all cause drastic weight gains. Add into the mix being in a wheelchair and pain killers and its not a good combination.

Only five weeks after the Easter break left in my first year at University and I cant believe how quickly it has gone ! I have enjoyed my time at Sunderland College (with it being an extended degree of 4 instead of 3 year the first year was at college), it has been a little disappointing in some aspects,. Definitely the best thing I have done but a bit disillusioned with it as not all that was promised or expected was delivered. But so excited about moving onto campus properly come September ! After speaking to my tutor it looks like if I keep up the hard work over the next 3 years then I will be heading for a first. So if you are sitting out there reading this, disabled or not, wondering if you could/should...just stop and do it !! you will be surprised how much help there is out there and how much you will enjoy it. Personally I have learnt a lot about myself in the last 9 months and found things out about myself that I never thought I would be capable of after my amputation.

Still counting down for September and Disney and have managed to get out socially with friends the other week. This was the first time in nearly a year. I plan on doing it more often, like I said before the amount of confidence going to University has given me is unreal. I released that I CAN do these things and I SHOULD enjoy myself just like everyone else and I am NOT an inconvenience ! So seeing as it was far and few between occasions off I went to the beauty salon. Can I just say how the hell women put themselves through that torture every week for those single eyelashes is beyond me! I don't know what was worse getting them on as it felt I had been blinded or taking them off. It was all worth it  though I felt like a million dollars and for once was happy with my body image, something I haven't been in a long time.
I have also been inspired to apply to more casting agencies, so that is what I have done.  Having had a screen test for a movie I released it wasn't an experience that most people will get and I loved every minute of it. I may not get the part but what a story to tell the grand kids.

So I guess overall just like spring I feel like I have been given a second lease of life. Another chance not just to plod along but to actually apply myself and do things I enjoy, experience things that prior to the amputations I wouldn't have dreamed of never mind now, just live life to the full and damn the wheelchair and no legs. My kids see me living life to the full and not letting things such as no legs hold me back then hopefully they will relaise   that in this life anything is possible, never give up and dreams can come true if you work hard.This is the legacy I want to leave. I am not saying its going to be easy. I am not saying am not going to have set backs or issues. Hell I could be on a total downer tomorrow and sit and wonder how much more I have to take and why me. The point is..eventually... the good days will out weigh the bad ones. It just takes time and a whole lot of hard work.

REFLECTIONS

Happy Valentines to every one !!!

Its times like this that make me reflect on how lucky I am. My mam always used to tell me that I should be thankful as there is always some one worse off in the world then me. She was right.

Although the pain today is making it hard to appreciate and see that.

Due to this horrible weather the UK is suffering from  at the moment, my pain has tripled and caused all kinds of issues. One being missing time at college. I have already had to take a week off and struggled most of last week to attend. By Wednesday they where so bad I had to ask some one else to do the experiment for me ( dissecting and eyeball yummy !) and some one else to take notes. Thursday I had to miss a big maths exam in algebra, luckily though the college have been very supportive and I will be able to sit it when I return after the half term.

Its one of those days where I could climb back into bed, pull the covers up, curl into a ball and cry with pain.  Instead due to  having responsibilities and things to do, it has made me reflective. Since my first Symes amputation 7 year ago my health has started to deteriorate. By the time i had both lower legs removed 3 year ago it rapidly went down hill. I have been currently diagnosed with the following:

stating the obvious - double below knee amputation
raynaud's in my stumps (circulation issues)
Osteoarthritis in knees, lower back, hips, shoulders, wrists with possible Rheumatoid arthritis in hands
Severe sleep apnoea 
Chronic fatigue syndrome
IBS
Ulcer
Fibromyalga
also prone to anxiety and panic attacks as well as depression.
Now isn't that a lovely list !! and that's what I can remember off the top of my head.

But am still lucky.
My hubby David has been my rock and there is so much put on his shoulders and he takes it all in his stride. My children have been brilliant. They may have the moments ( which kids don't !) and  I may not see eye to eye with the two oldest ones, but with out them two I would be lost. My support network also contains my very close friends ( you know who you are), who are like family to me and are my surrogate brother and sisters again we would be lost without you. Our  own family's have not been there to be blunt about it. David  is a proud person and does not like to ask for help from any one but during the amputations and every thing we have been through,  not one member of our family's offered or even asked if he needed help or support with the kids. As my mam was dead by this point the only person that tried was his mam, god rest her soul. No phone calls, no hospital visits, nothing .

But am still lucky.
David is my 3rd husband. The first one is not worth mentioning, a silly mistake from my youth. The second is the oldest two "sperm donor" ( sorry jo had to pinch it), went missing for 8 years of there life and refuses to pay a penny. What he has paid over the last 13 years is about a years worth with arrears in the thousands but always finds a way to  get out of it or disappear. And David plods on, taking on more and more so I have to do less and less, never complains still loves me for me a fantastic father and a fantastic husband. He always understands when am ill, knows the right things to say or do, how to make me smile and stands by me no matter what. I have had other tests done that have thankfully came back with the all clear including for my liver, heart (they thought I had been having mini strokes),cancer and genetics. At this moment in time we are awaiting the results from a MRI scan . Every time the post comes I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I honestly don't think i could take another lot of bad news, another diagnosis of something being wrong or something else for me to fight against in order just to lead a normal life.

But am still lucky.
I am not doing well with the weight loss, still trying to battle on to get this degree as I want a better life for my family. My youngest boy has ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and may very well have a form of Talipes ( we need to have that confirmed) and taking him to Florida every two years is my goal as it really helped him to manage some of his social issues and bring him out of his shell. I don't care if I have  to scrape the money together or beg borrow and steal. I will do it for my children especially him. I don't care what any one thinks or says.

But am still lucky.
I want to work, but I can barely manage to type this blog today.

But am still lucky.........


  

FULL STEAM AHEAD

Another 5 month have passed since I last put anything down for you.  Its now the beginning of December and I have now been at College for 2 1/2 months.......and I LOVE IT !!

I promise I will try to update this blog every month with what is going on in my life, difficulties I have experienced and help I have found or help I have had that worked for me.

First things first, still no further forward with getting out of the wheelchair. The cold weather is playing havoc with the arthritis and the fibromyalgia. The weight gain has slowed down but still not good, so I am personally not very happy about that. I am still experiencing issues with the stumps splitting and it is the same one that splits all the time. It has now happened twice more since my last entry. I know it is due to the legs swelling and the weight gain so the plan is to try and control this. So although we are only 23 days away from Christmas, I am going to restart the exercise routine and cut out the snacking on a night time. Yes I will indulge during the three days of the 24th 25th and 26th but that's OK as long as it is controlled, and that is going to be the key for me control. Went to a seminar about weight loss surgery which was recommended by my GP but it scared me silly, the risks where way too much and the surgeon didn't even think it would benefit me due to the Fibro, so I don't think that is an option for me. Although any one who does go through it is brave in my books.  The results are due from the sleep clinic in a few weeks so will try to update the blog with that before Christmas and still waiting for my MRI to take place.

And that is where we are up to with the health situation..now for the good bit...my life.

Can I say the best thing I ever did was leaving the rat race to go to University.

I am doing a extended degree in Psychology through Sunderland university, the first year is with Sunderland College. As a disabled student as well as a wheelchair user, the help I have had form both the college staff, lectures and the University has been outstanding! The support as well, that I have received from the DSA of student finance as well has helped me so much am extremely grateful.  They have provided me with the equipment to enable me to actively take part in all the lessons and the ability to complete work at home as well.
 I will be honest I was really worried about going to University/college as I was nervous about how much I would stick out like a sore thumb, or how much trouble it would be for others to include me,even how much disruption I would cause to the lesson. Questions such as "would i be left on my own?" "would any one want to mix with me or even do projects together?" " would I be seen as an outsider/ inconvenience?" " would people talk to me and accept me for who I am?""would I be nothing but a nuisance to people? "
Its bizarre the way you think about yourself or see your self when you are in a wheelchair or have limbs missing, its like a double whammy when it is both.  But all the worry was for nothing. Don't get me wrong not everything has ran smoothly, there are a few issues with doors for example and some kerb heights, getting under some of the desks  are a bit of a night mare and some rooms are so small , forget about a turning circle!  And if I have to leave my legs off and use my stump boards then college is just a no go. Hell I even had one of my foot rests ran over by a taxi driver..twice! guess the first time he wasn't certain he got it.  I guess there was a chance that all my fears could have been founded but it depends on how you want to few things.

 Just before starting university I was having a course of CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy), which helps you to help yourself. Basically it changes the way you few the problem or issue and how you view it, makes you challenge your view point, then gives you the tools to deal with it in future.  At first I thought it wasn't helping, but after a few sessions things changed in my head, and I realized that my view of myself and how I thought people saw me was skewed .
 Yes, OK there is going to be people out there who are ignorant gits, who do see you as an inconvenience and should just go away, but thankfully they are few and far between. They will be a certain amount of changes that will need to be made to include you, but that's OK, you are entitled to access the same as everyone else and most people understand this and are patient. Those that aren't, screw them, take longer just to annoy them lol. The point is that is their hang up/problem not yours and don't let them put their hang ups onto you, after all their not out of the race called life yet and who knows what the future holds.

I guess what am trying to say is don't let anything hold you back. If going to work or college or university is what you want to do then do it. There is support and help there to access such as the DSA (Disabled Student Access) through Student Finance, the college/University or work place itself, also if it is work connected there is the Disability Advisers at the job center and Access to Work who can help with everything form transport, office equipment and grants your employer may be entitled to, work place evaluations as well.

On a personal note things are going well. Still counting down to Florida 2014 and now Christmas. Thank god am all done. As some one who is disabled and in a wheelchair shopping in any mall, shopping centre or town centre is a bloody nightmare !. People seem to suddenly become blinkered, rude and ignorant. On line shopping is a god send.When I do have to go into town at the moment my temper seems to instantly shoot through the roof. Sick of people leaning over me, stepping back into me (although it hurts them more then me but the number of people that I have nearly had sitting on my knee...), stepping in front of me then glare at me as if it is my fault, and my personal favourite, tutting at me..for being there. All the kids are doing well and for the first  time in 10 year I was able to attend two of my children's class assembly's . What a proud mam moment that was.The eldest is doing well at University as well and cant wait to see him when he comes up for Christmas. Had some of my first assignments back and scored 80% for my Physiology report, 49% for my first maths exam, 96% for my word processing exam, 100% for my PowerPoint exam and still waiting for my result from my presentation assessment and my spread sheet exam.

My goal with this degree is to specialise in possibly CBT my self and become a Psychotherapist, all going well after my degree I will be looking to do a PHD as well. So remember if you are in a wheelchair, Amputee, friend or family member of an amputee, even if you are curious and just need answers please feel free to contact me via this blog or my face book page. All links will be put at the bottom of this entry.

https://www.facebook.com/dcphotographysunderland?ref=tn_tnmn

https://www.gov.uk/student-finance/overview

http://www.yourdsa.com/

http://www.sfengland.slc.co.uk/media/559155/sfe_dsa_1314_d.pd